In her book, Codependent No More, Melody Beattie tells us that, to be happy, we need “someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to” (227). Unfortunately, some of us base our lives and responsibilities on our “someone to love” to the detriment of the other two pillars of happiness. We become empty shells, with little to offer, exactly the opposite of what codependents aim to do: everything in their power to prove their worth to those they claim to love. The problem is that while we are busy focusing on others, we are neglecting the very needs in ourselves that make a healthy relationship possible.
Melody Beattie wrote this classic in the field back in the late 1980s to make sense of her own codependency issues and spread the word to fellow relationship addicts. She claimed she used to despise codependents because they are extremely controlling people, but came to realize that the problems of living with alcoholics, addicts, and mentally ill others is very difficult and people control mainly to maintain a sense of security in their otherwise chaotic environments. This is what I did in my last relationship and why my ex boyfriend essentially left me.
Instead of taking care my body, finding meaningful work, or developing new hobbies and relationships, I concentrated on getting the all-sacred marriage proposal. When he struggled with his college classes, I complained about him taking too long to finish his degree, never making enough time for me, and his single-minded, stubborn ways. All the time, I was suffering a dark depression from losing my teaching job and a lack of faith in life. My ex had an epiphany: we were holding each other back and needed to be free to be ourselves.
Although I was not happy with the outcome, he finally did what Beattie suggests when one is imprisoned in the stronghold of addiction: detach. Maybe he realized that his judgment and attempts to control me were getting nowhere and that he was neglecting aspects of his own life, but for whatever reason, he was able to determine that his Self was more important than an attachment to a “safe comfort zone.” Beattie says that attachment to safety leads to a lack of growth; she advises all people to find a partner who helps enhance rather than hinder their movement and says that while a permanent separation is not a necessary step if both partners are willing to work things out, it may be an option for one entrenched in the pain and obsession of relationship addiction.
I recently enrolled in the Long Ridge Writers Group to pursue my lifelong dream of being a writer. It’s sad that I may no longer realize my dream as my ex’s wife and mother of his children, but at least now I am focusing on my “something to do” and “something to look forward to” aspects of happiness. With a newly refurbished faith in my Higher Power, I am confident that God will set me with up with the love aspect on His own timetable.
The first step to any 12-step recovery program is acknowledging your lack of control over a problem. For now, all I can do is confess: I’m codependent.